teardrop [1/2]

onew/key
pg 13
romance, drama, fluff
key denies to himself that he's madly in love with someone he least expects to fall for.

Each teardrop tells either a story of sorrow or of joy. Sometimes it could be both. I wish I knew what story your teardrops tell. 

I heaved a deep sigh as I looked at the math book propped open in front of me. All those equations, numbers and foreign scribbles made me cringe in disgust. Math is never my thing. I closed the book shut and threw it on a forgotten corner. I made a mental note to ask my roommate for help when he comes back from god knows where. He’s a math major so this should be nothing much to him. 

I pulled out my Biology book instead. I wasn’t even on the third line when I stopped reading and started scribbling on it with random drawings. My concentration is obviously wearing thin and my eyelids suddenly felt heavy as sleep crept through my entire system. I groaned as I rubbed my temple and felt a headache coming. I continued with my messy scribbles though, trying to regain my concentration because I know I fucking need to cram some Biology principles in my head before the big exam tomorrow. 

I made an effort to pull my mind away from the scribbles and started reading again. I was already on the seventh line when I noticed that I have absentmindedly drawn a teardrop on the bottom of the page. I felt a soft tug in my heart as I gaze at the familiar drawing. How many times have I drawn this on your hand while you chuckled softly because of the ticklish sensation of the pen against your soft skin? Memories of you came rushing back to me. It has been a year since we said goodbyes, but your smile is still so clear in my mind that it feels like you’re just right here beside me. It‘s silly how many memories of you overwhelmed me but I can’t even remember when we first met, nor do I remember how our first conversation went. I’m jealous of you because you remember everything. You remember when I threw a dirty rug on someone’s face because she pissed me off. You remember that I would spend time in the library when I feel like skipping classes. You remember how I talked back to this teacher I hate so much. You even remember that I used to seat at the far end of the classroom and sleep the boring lessons away. 

But I can’t remember that we were in the same 4th grade class. You told me that maybe I don’t remember a thing because I was the popular kid and you were the nerdy one nobody paid much attention to. But I wish I can remember everything about you the same way you remember everything about me. I wish already knew back then how much my heart would crave for your smiles. Maybe if I did, I would pay more attention to little details about you. Maybe I would remember when I first laid my eyes on you. Maybe I would remember how our first conversation went. Maybe I would be more honest with how I feel for you. And maybe... just maybe... things could have been different.

--

“Jinki?”

“Yeah, you don’t know him?”

I raised an eyebrow at my best friend while I tried to remember if I heard of that name before. But I shrugged when the name didn’t even ring a bell.

“But he told me you guys were in the same 4th grade class.”

“God, Jjong. That was like three years ago. I don’t remember every kid in my class.”

“You’re weird, Kibum. At least you should be able to recognize the name.”

I rolled my eyes at my best friend and dismissed the topic. Little did I know that we would end up in the same class again on our senior year. And little did I know that your name would be an important part of my life. 

--

I don’t know when my heart started beating for you. All I know is I became aware of your existence during my last year in high school. You sparked my curiosity because you remember me from 4th grade. But I don’t remember you at all. So I would throw simple glances your way whenever you pull a chair to chat with my seatmate. I would look at you and notice your charming eyes hidden behind those specs. You would glance my way a few times and catch me staring at you. I would feel a blush creep out of my cheeks and hastily avoid your gaze. But we never talked. Of course, you are the genius kid and I’m the popular guy. Nobody expects us to be friends. All we had between us are silent exchange of shy smiles and secret glances. 

--

“Hey! Give me back my shoe!” I glared angrily at Minho as I chase him around the classroom. I would always sleep during free period and Minho, being the stupid person that he is would yank one of my shoes away and make me chase him to get it back. And sometimes he would pass it to another person like playing catch. It’s a stupid game which annoyed the hell out of me.

“Jinki, catch!”

To my horror, my shoe flew over my head and landed on your waiting hands behind me. We looked at each other awkwardly before your face broke into a big smile as if you’ve been silently waiting to be invited to this stupid game. You threw my shoe across the room to Jjong’s reach. I glared at you. I never thought you would join this game. 

“GIVE. ME. BACK. MY. SHOE.” 

Jonghyun smiled at me cheekily before throwing it back at Minho. But that stupid dinosaur over calculated his throw and my shoe landed on top of the speaker hanging on the wall, which I might add, no one can ever reach.

Jonghyun and Minho gave me an apologetic look before they run out of the classroom, escaping narrowly just before I exploded in anger. I went back to seat on my chair and buried my head on the desk. I am so angry and my foot feels cold against the floor. Plus, I look like a complete idiot wearing only one shoe. I know the whole class is staring right at me, but I don’t give a damn. I just want my shoe back. I can feel tears streaming down my cheeks and I somehow feel thankful that my face is buried. No one can see me cry. I tried to stop my shoulders from shaking badly. I don’t know how long I’ve been crying like that until I felt a soft tug at my foot. I pulled back my head a little so I can see what’s disturbing my foot and my breath got caught in my throat with what I saw. You are kneeling in front of me, slipping my shoe back on. I don’t know how the hell you were able to get it from that high place. And I couldn’t even care to think more about it when you looked up and smiled at me gently. 

You stood up after putting back my shoe. All I could say was a soft “Thank you.” You gave me that warm smile again and I felt my heart did a back flip as you gently patted my hair.

That was our first conversation that I could ever remember. I knew I was falling. But I don’t want to admit it to myself nor to anyone else. After all, you are not the type of guy people expected the popular Kim Kibum to fall in love with. No, you are a clumsy nerd. Although you are charming in your own way, I believe that we are like ice and fire—never meant to be together.

Since that day, I would let Minho get my shoe again and play with it while I pretended to be angry. You would always come and join the little game. And when my shoe gets stuck in a high place, you would get it for me and slip it back on my foot. During these times, I would feel like I’m Cinderella and you are my prince charming.

But unlike Cinderella, I didn’t get my happily ever after.

--

“Jinki, I’m giving you five seconds to give me back my shoe before I shave off every hair on your body.”
You chuckled and ignored my threat like you usually do. I don’t know when this shoe game lost Minho and Jonghyun nor do I know when we have started to be this close enough. All I know is that we are completely alone in the classroom, you are holding my shoe with one hand and the other, raised defensively in front of you as if preventing me from coming nearer. But with one deep breathe, I lounge forward determined to yank my shoe away from your grasp. As our bodies collided, our limbs got tangled and we both fell on the ground with you on top of me. Our noses brush and I can feel I’m getting drowned in your black orbs as you stared passionately back at me. My heart started beating fast and I was afraid that you would feel it pounding in between our pressed bodies. Your face is coming closer and just when I was about to close my eyes to welcome your kiss, you pulled back and stood up. You walked out of the classroom leaving the forgotten shoe on my side.

I couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. All my mind can think about is the doubt in your eyes when you decided against kissing me.

You left me wondering what that doubt is about.

--

“Hey, why did you skip school yesterday? I missed you.”

Your words were simple and straight forward but it did wonders to my heart. I fought the urge to smile and put on a nonchalant expression instead before I answered you, “I don’t feel like going to school. Is there a problem with that?”

“Yes. I was so freaking bored because I have no one to talk to.”

You pointed your head to the direction of the empty chair sitting innocently beside yours. That’s my seat. It has been a week since the class decided on a new sitting arrangement and I somehow ended up sitting beside you. 

Do you know why I always skip school? We are growing closer with each passing day. I am afraid of drowning in your smiles and falling hard for you. But as you took my hand and guided me to my seat, telling me not to skip school again, I started hating myself. 

I hate myself because I can’t be honest with how I feel for you. 

-- 

I can feel my eyelids getting heavy and the boring voice of my English teacher drowned in the comfortable sleepy silence. I fought hard to stay awake but before I knew it, I had already banged my head on the desk. I suddenly became aware of the stares everyone is throwing my way and of my teacher’s raised eyebrow at me. I bowed down my head in embarrassment from being caught dozing off. But everything else got drowned in the soft chuckle coming from beside me. I turned to look at you biting your lower lip as you fought against the fit of giggles impending to explode from your mouth. When you finally calmed down, you reached for my hand. A shiver runs through my spine at the sudden contact.

“What are you doing?”

You just smiled at me mischievously as you started drawing patterns on my hand. I held my breath and couldn’t even let out a squeak as I watch you concentrate on your drawing. When you’re done, I flipped my hand to look at the drawing closely.

“A star?”

“Yes, because you’re like a star.”

Before I can even comprehend what you have just said, you grabbed my other hand and started drawing again. This time, I felt irritation rise up in my chest as I saw you put messy unreadable scribbles on my hand. 
“Hey! I’m not a piece of paper,” I grabbed your hand in anger and started drawing messily on it. Oh sweet revenge. But your giggles died down when you seriously whispered for me to draw a teardrop.

“A teardrop?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Nothing. Just draw a teardrop.”

Our silly art sessions continued throughout the passing days whenever we felt that classes become too boring for us to handle. It was always the same. You would draw a star on my hand and I would draw a teardrop on yours. I never asked you again what the meaning behind the teardrop is.

But I wish I asked and didn’t stop until you gave me an answer because I can somehow feel that there is a deep meaning behind it. I saw your lips tug in a sad smile whenever you stare at the teardrop I drew. 

Jinki, tell me is that a teardrop of sadness?

--

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I grumbled under my breath as I watch my teacher leave the room after telling me to clean up and close the windows before I go. I just came back from club activities to find an empty and dirty classroom. When my teacher saw me alone, he thought I should clean up all those mess before I go home which obviously pissed me off. 

I started arranging the chairs as I muttered curses. Then you came so suddenly that almost shocked the living hell out of me. I stared right back at your eyes as your lips slowly broke in a teasing smile. You looked through the window at the now darkening sky then back at me before grabbing your bag and saying, “I’m sure you heard of that ghost who apparently roams this school at this hour, right? Well, I’m going home now. Bye, Key.”

My hand shot up so suddenly to grab the hem of your shirt. You looked curiously at me and I avoided your gaze in embarrassment. I hate to admit it but I’m no good with scary stuff. You remove my trembling hands away from your shirt and you sat on your chair, pulling out a sandwich from your bag and stuffing it in your mouth. I could only gape at you.

“What? You don’t expect me to help you clean do you?”

“No... but...”

“Don’t get the wrong idea. I just thought I would finish this sandwich before I go home.”

That’s what you said but as soon as you finish munching on your food, you grabbed a broom and helped me clean. I raised an eyebrow at you but you just chuckled and continued what you are doing.

Once we’re done, we grabbed our bags, closed the windows, and walked down the now empty corridor. However a stupid idea crossed your mind and a mischievous grin spread on your face. You walked over the light switch and turned it off. The whole corridor instantly became dark. There’s not even moonlight. I felt my heart jumped out of my chest as I screamed your name. Didn’t I tell you I hate scary stuff?

I felt a hand grabbed mine and you whispered, “let’s run” before I found myself dashing down the corridor holding your hand tightly. Once we are in a well lighted place, my knees finally gave way and I collapsed on the floor in a panting mess. You were laughing hard while patting my back comfortably. But I found no comfort in your irritating laughter. I glared at you before stomping away. You grabbed my hand so suddenly and as I was spun around by your pull on my hand, I was met with your chest. You hugged me tightly, one hand still tangled with my fingers. 

“Jinki?”

“I’m sorry. You’re so cute when you’re scared that’s why I can’t help myself. Don’t worry, Key. You can always hold my hand when you’re feeling scared.”

I closed my eyes and smiled as I buried my face on your chest. 

--

Days passed by rather quickly. There was the school trip in which I desperately prayed to all the gods for us to end up sitting together in the bus. But my best friend got in the way and sat beside me instead. So I contented myself with watching you from the aisle across my seat. 

Christmas went by without me finding the courage to give you the glass orb I bought as a present. It’s now sitting on my bedside table, reminding me of you whenever I see it. 

Tons of exams, assignments, and projects came. Even with all the stress that comes with being a graduating student, your sweet smile kept me sane. 

I still kept the white rose you gave me on valentines. It was a simple rose that didn’t come with any promises. You said you gave it to me just because you were obliged to be my dance partner in the senior’s promenade. But I treasured that rose more than anything else. 

Because it came from you.

--

Jinki, do you know how much you have changed in me?

I was the perfect student almost everyone dreamed to be with. I kept that image well by doing what people expected of me. I was strong and sure of myself. But then you suddenly came and I always feel myself shattering under your gaze. I can’t admit that I’m helplessly in love with you because that’s not what is expected of me.

But I want you. I want you so badly that one day, I decided to throw away the perfect Kim Kibum and welcome the imperfect one who’s in love with you. It took all of my courage to finally confess to you. I was clinging to that one bit of hope that maybe... just maybe... you like me back. 

But that hope was shattered in to pieces. Before I can even confess, you made it clear to me that I am just a classmate... a seatmate. 

Not even a friend.

--

“Do you like Key?”

My mouth fell half open as I strained to hear more of the two boys talking behind the door of the cubicle I’m silently in. I can clearly recognize their voices as Jinki and my best friend, Jonghyun.

“What are you saying, Jonghyun?”

“Well, I just wanted to make it clear. Because you know, Jinki you’re my friend. But Minho is also my friend and he asked me to help him with Key. I have a hunch that you might also like Key. If you do, I won’t help Minho or you. I thought you guys should play a fair game.” 

You laughed. It was so loud that it echoed throughout the entire comfort room. When your laughter died down, you spoke and I felt my heart shattering into pieces.

“Key is just a seatmate. Nothing more. What made you think I like Key? And even if I do, I won’t stand a chance against Minho. I mean, the possibility of Key liking me is near impossible.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I’m kinda glad you don’t like him, Jinki. I don’t want you to deal with a broken heart.”
Jinki, do you know how much your words stung? I don’t think I will ever forget what you said even after many years. I was completely torn apart.

It was a wonder how I can still smile in front of you even after that heartbreak. I acted like nothing happened and continued to be the same Kim Kibum without any imperfections. I did what people expected of me.
I love you but I will never tell you that. Because loving you is an imperfection.

--

Jinki, do you know what I hate most about you? I hate it when you make me feel special in one moment, and before I can even blink I realized that’s how you treat almost everybody. Just like today. I saw a star messily drawn on her hand. That star you usually draw on mine. I must have been stupid to think that it was my special star. No, it was not. 

What was her name again? Was it Luna? Oh right, I heard she was your ex. I asked you about it but you told me everything is in the past now. I believed you because I wanted to. That’s why I chose to ignore the way you looked back at her when you passed by each other in the hallway. I also ignored the star you drew on her hand. I ignored the way you say her name with a beautiful sparkle in your eyes. 

And lastly, I ignored the fact that you might still be in love with her because I wanted to believe in you.

--

The last day I saw you is the freshest of all my memories. 

It was graduation day. Among the sea of seniors hugging each other and crying their hearts out, I desperately looked for you. At least, I want to see one last glance of you. Maybe, I will start fresh in college. I will bury all the love I felt for you and leave it here, in this school. 

But before that, I want to say goodbye. I feel my eyes brimming with tears when I don’t see you anywhere. The sea of people started to thin out as students walked out with their families to celebrate. Just when I’m about to give up searching for you, I felt a tap on my shoulders. I turned around and there you are with tear-soaked face. 

“I will miss you.”

The air seemed to stand still and the noisy clatter around us died down as I stared right back at you. 

“Me too.”

That was all I could say. Part of me wanted to tell you how much I love you but another part held me back. So I swallowed back my confession and smiled at you before turning on my heels to leave.

That was our last conversation.

--

I finally gave up studying as thoughts of you consumed me. I threw my Biology book to where my Math book is and lied down on the bed. I swore to myself that I will bury all my feelings for you, but after a year, my love for you is the same as ever. I hate myself for falling in love with you.

I absentmindedly grabbed my cellphone and wrote a three-word message. 

I never sent you a message since that last day in high school so I battled with myself if I should send this to you. In the end, my cowardice got the better of me again, just like how it always did back in high school. So I wrote a different message instead.

To: Jinki

I miss you.
You replied a minute later. I was eager when I saw your name flash on the screen. But when I read your reply, I never thought that such three words from you can break me into thousands of pieces.

To: Kibum

Who are you?




The plot is loosely based on a true story.